all i wanted to do was help. help her have a safe place to live where her things would still be there when she woke up, help her get a job, help her with whatever. in doing that, though, she said that i've made her uncomfortable. she told me that i make all of these "jokes" about her to d when she's right in the room. she's sick of the one about her being our "charity case". she spends all day in her room because of me. huh, we thought she was in there studying...
HOW IS SOMEONE SUPPOSED TO KNOW ALL OF THESE THINGS ARE GOING ON IN YOUR HEAD WHEN YOU NEVER SAY ANYTHING ABOUT ANY OF IT?!?!?!?!
she thinks there is another level to things we do and things we say. there isn't. it hurts. i wish there was a different word i could use, but there's not. i'm very hurt. i'm hurt that she knows us so well and that we have been nothing but honest with her and done what we can for her and she still believes that there's hidden meanings. she sees us like she sees everyone else. and it hurts. a lot.
it's not going to be easy to let her go.
Friday, April 22, 2005
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I think that one of the hardest things in life is having your closest friends learn of your weaknesses and secrets. It's funny, because they should naturally be the ones you want to talk to about it. But when you admire and respect someone, you are afraid to let them see the parts of you that you hate. When you are insecure and don't like yourself and have little self esteem, you find it hard to believe that someone could truly love you after they learn of those horrible things. But it's the flaws in a persons character that makes us who we are. It makes us unique. My closest friends saw me become a maniac after playing Mario Brothers and teased me lovingly about it. It's a favorite joke now and everytime they mention it, I feel loved rather than ridiculed. The most important thing that we all need to do is come to terms with our faults and realize that we all deserve to be loved. I admire my friend Chrissy because she loves who she is and is herself in every situation regardless of who is there. I love her sense of completion and acceptance in herself. We all have to realize that we are individuals and are each special in our own ways. But when people are on the broad and shaky road to that realization, we badly need friends that are patient and supportive. I have learned that there is absolutely nothing more special or meaningful than having a friend that sees you at your worst time, your lowest lows and is there to hold you hand and cheer for you when you come through on the other end. I have several wonderful, true friends like this and I value them more than I can say. I am in a city with no family, yet I rarely feel alone because my friends are my new family. They are the joy and happiness in my life because I know that I am loved for being Mel.
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